I will resume my coverage of the Democratic convention (current theme: ''Yes, It's Still Going On'') as soon as possible, but first I need to address a disturbing issue that we all need to be more disturbed about: bird porn.
Wondering where the candidate stands on key issues? Need to know where to send your bribes campaign contributions? Ask questions and see Dave's answers
Call me a courageous explorer in the mold of Lewis and Clark if you want, but I did something insanely brave here: I traveled alone, on foot, all the way across the convention floor.
Freewheelin' fun at the DNC This vibrant Western city has pulled out all the stops to make Democratic convention visitors feel welcome right from the moment they arrive at the huge and modern airport, conveniently located in nearby Kansas.
The Democratic party has gathered in Denver for what will be without question one of the most exciting political conventions in decades.
BY DAVE BARRY (This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Oct. 19, 2003.) I recently had a terrifying experience. It was exactly like a scene from a horror movie, when the actors find themselves in a house that is obviously possessed by Evil, with doors slamming by themselves and blood dripping from the ceiling, but the actors are such morons that they stay in the house anyway.
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published July 1, 2001.)
What lies ahead for the European Union? This question is very much on the minds of concerned journalists looking for a way to take a tax-deductible vacation abroad. For this reason, I recently spent several weeks assessing the mood in a broad cross-section of Europe, ranging all the way from Paris, France, to several other parts of France.
I'm going to miss this crazy town. I have to go back to Miami, because my daughter starts school Monday. (Miami-Dade public schools start in mid-August, which seems insanely early, but it's the only way to guarantee that the school year will be disrupted by hurricanes.)
The most popular tourist attraction in Beijing is the Forbidden City, which gets its name from the fact that my mother-in-law has forbidden us to ever take her there again.
I was in the mood to have blood spurt from my ears, so I decided to take in the Beijing rock scene. I went with some other Americans to a club called Star Live, which was presenting a rock show called Youth Party of China.
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Oct. 17, 2004.)
I started lifting weights. But not for the reason you think. You think I want to look ''cut'' and ''ripped'' and have bulging muscles like the ones on male underwear models, who for some reason are always shown posing outdoors, looking sullen, as if a group of even more muscular models stole their pants.
I have good news and bad news about the food here. The good news is, there's a lot of excellent food, and it can be unbelievably cheap. Four of us went to a restaurant near our hotel and ate a delicious and plentiful dinner, including Peking duck and other dishes, as well as a number of large Chinese beers, and the total bill was $23.
I came here to see the Great Wall of China. To make the trip, you get a taxi in Beijing, then take the Great Wall Freeway to the Great Wall exit. Really.
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published April 15, 2001.)
The other day, my son and I were talking, and the subject of women came up, and I realized that it was time he and I had a Serious Talk. It's a talk every father should have with his son; and yet, far too often, we fathers avoid the subject, because it's so awkward. The subject I'm referring to is: buying gifts for women.
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published July 8, 2001.)
There's nothing like taking your family on a camping trip-getting away from civilization, sleeping under the open sky, looking up into the heavens and gazing upon an awe-inspiring vista of millions and millions of ... what ARE those things? Bats? Very large mosquitoes? Oh NO! They've taken little Ashley!
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Sept. 21, 2003)
Every so often, I head for Sun Valley, Idaho, because I have friends there, and because Idaho contains large quantities of nature. The problem is that my friends are never content to sit around with a cool beverage and look at the nature from a safe distance, as nature intended. No, my friends want to go out and interact with the nature in some kind of potentially fatal way.
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Nov. 4, 2001.)
Welcome to another episode of ''Ask Mister Language Person,'' the column written by the language expert who recently won the World Wrestling Federation Grammar Smackdown when he kneed William Safire right in the gerunds.
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published April 21, 2002.)
The United States is developing an Odor Bomb. ''Why?'' you are saying. ''Don't we already have New Jersey?''
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published July 7, 2002.)
Summer is a lazy, relaxed, carefree time of year, when our thoughts turn to the possibility that our flesh will be stripped from our bones by millions of razor-sharp mandibles.
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published March 9, 2003.)
When we think of Wisconsin, we think of it as the nation's Heartland -- a placid place where you can park your car anywhere and leave it unlocked, with the key in the ignition, knowing that no matter how long you're gone, when you return your car will be covered with cheese.
I decided to go scout the Miami Dolphins on Monday, to see how they look this year. This is important, because the Dolphins represent South Florida's manhood, and last season we had the same community testosterone level as the audience for a Barbra Streisand concert. The Dolphins lost 15 games and won only one, which I believe was against Princeton.
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published May 23, 2004.)
Before we get to today's column, I have an important announcement regarding outsourcing. ''Outsourcing'' is a business expression that means, in layperson's terms, ''sourcing out.'' It's a trend that started years ago in manufacturing, which is a business term that means ''making things.'' You youngsters won't believe this, but there was a time when Americans actually made physical things called ''products'' right here in America.
