Conni Gordon likes to joke that when she first started painting, her canvas was the wall of a cave.

Her self-deprecation is charming, but she is exaggerating.

Gordon, a long-time Miami Beach resident and art teacher, started painting at the end of the Great Depression. That's right, more than 70 years ago.

Still, while Gordon, 85, hasn't been around as long as she jokes, she's sort of like Rocky Balboa in that she just can't quit the game, because she still has the eye of the tiger . . . and the giraffe, and several other animals she has put to brush.

Most recently, Gordon, who has used her ''masterpiece in five minutes'' method to teach TV talk host David Letterman, held a paint party at the Miami Beach Public Library last week. ''What can I tell you? I love art. I love painting,'' Gordon says with a throaty laugh.

Looking out over Biscayne Bay below her 23rd-floor Miami apartment, Gordon declares irony to be an overused word.

''It really is,'' she says, shrugging. ``Think about it. The only irony is that half the stuff we talk about being ironic really isn't at all!''

Like it or not though, Gordon's path to fame carries signs of irony.

OFF TO WAR

In 1943, while playing second banana to a gaggle of celebrities entertaining U.S. troops on the U.S. Marine Corps base at Cherry Point, N.C., in advance of a European USO tour, Gordon, a Marine herself, was called from the bench and made a starting player.

''So I was in the Marines -- Special Services, a plane with the entertainers was late, didn't make it . . . so the organizers asked me to fill that space,'' Gordon says. Before she knew it she was on stage in front of thousands of soldiers, who were hooting and hollering in anticipation of a show.

''I think they wanted me to sing,'' she says. Instead, Gordon unveiled an easel and canvas and gave the guys a five-minute lesson, creating a portrait.

''I taught them how to paint a face, with all the details, all the characteristics, and I did it so fast because I wanted to hold their attention,'' she says.

Pretty soon, Gordon says, hers became one of the more popular attractions for troops preparing to fight. ''I can't tell you how many of those young men told me later that they hung onto their paintings and when they were in war zones they made makeshift paint supplies from ink pens and twigs and practiced what I taught them to pass the time,'' she says.

When the war ended, Gordon returned to the United States and classical art seemed at risk of being overwhelmed by the pace of post-war America.

''People were having babies faster than you can blink. Cars drove faster, trains went faster, planes went faster,'' she says. ``And I realized that the five-minute lesson could fit right in, because it was so fast.''

REGISTERED METHOD

In 1948 she registered her method with the U.S. Copyright Office, and in 1950 she began a career teaching painting on television that continues today.

''Conni has impacted millions of people with her shows and seminars,'' says Barbara Pergament, an actress, model, and chairwoman of Miami Beach Cinematheque, home of the Miami Beach Film Society. ``Remember, she is listed in Guinness Book for the scope of her work. And the thing is painting is relaxing. What she teaches people in just a few minutes is a technique to help them feel better about themselves and believe in themselves and to help them learn to relax and enjoy their leisure time through a classical art.''

For all her celebrity elbow-rubbing sessions, such as teaching members of Frank Sinatra's Rat Pack to paint in five minutes in the 1960s, Gordon says her favorite students have been the Average Joes and Janes.

''The thing is, regular people have to move faster than the wealthy sometimes,'' Gordon says. ``That's not an insult. It just means they're working harder to keep up. And they might not have as much time to appreciate the arts. That's where I come in.''

Gordon says that over the years she has taught more than 5,000 people, all of whom had one major thing in common: they had day jobs.

''And they kept their jobs mostly,'' she says. ``That was the beautiful thing. No one came to me for lessons, hoping to become Van Gogh. People came to me to learn to paint, so they could make art and better appreciate the art form.''

Lisa Palley, a Miami events planner, was a student of Gordon's several years ago.

''I never thought it was possible to learn something so fast and to learn it in a way that made me want more, more, more,'' Palley says. ``But Conni is great. She's patient, and I still have a copy of my masterpiece! The trick is she keeps it simple.''

So, with daily life showing no signs of slowing up for most people, does Gordon have any tricks up her sleeve for her next class? ''I'm going to pull them away from their computers and actually teach them that fast can stand to slow down a bit,'' she says. ``The hands are good for more than pushing buttons. And that's how they're going to learn.''

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