In ancient times, a Westerner had to journey for months, even years, to reach China. Today, thanks to modern air travel, it takes much longer. I estimate that the plane I was on flew around the entire Earth three times before we got here. By the time we landed, I had a near-fatal case of a medical condition that is known, technically, as ``monkey butt.''
Wondering where the candidate stands on key issues? Need to know where to send your bribes campaign contributions? Ask questions and see Dave's answers
We have assembled a collection of gift concepts so unusual, so distinctive, that you will say: ''You made those up, right?'' No. There is not enough eggnog in the world. All of the Holiday Gift Guide items are actual products that you can buy (except for one that might be imaginary, which is just as well).
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published April 15, 2001.)
The other day, my son and I were talking, and the subject of women came up, and I realized that it was time he and I had a Serious Talk. It's a talk every father should have with his son; and yet, far too often, we fathers avoid the subject, because it's so awkward. The subject I'm referring to is: buying gifts for women.
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published July 8, 2001.)
There's nothing like taking your family on a camping trip-getting away from civilization, sleeping under the open sky, looking up into the heavens and gazing upon an awe-inspiring vista of millions and millions of ... what ARE those things? Bats? Very large mosquitoes? Oh NO! They've taken little Ashley!
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Sept. 21, 2003)
Every so often, I head for Sun Valley, Idaho, because I have friends there, and because Idaho contains large quantities of nature. The problem is that my friends are never content to sit around with a cool beverage and look at the nature from a safe distance, as nature intended. No, my friends want to go out and interact with the nature in some kind of potentially fatal way.
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Nov. 4, 2001.)
Welcome to another episode of ''Ask Mister Language Person,'' the column written by the language expert who recently won the World Wrestling Federation Grammar Smackdown when he kneed William Safire right in the gerunds.
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published April 21, 2002.)
The United States is developing an Odor Bomb. ''Why?'' you are saying. ''Don't we already have New Jersey?''
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published July 7, 2002.)
Summer is a lazy, relaxed, carefree time of year, when our thoughts turn to the possibility that our flesh will be stripped from our bones by millions of razor-sharp mandibles.
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published March 9, 2003.)
When we think of Wisconsin, we think of it as the nation's Heartland -- a placid place where you can park your car anywhere and leave it unlocked, with the key in the ignition, knowing that no matter how long you're gone, when you return your car will be covered with cheese.
I decided to go scout the Miami Dolphins on Monday, to see how they look this year. This is important, because the Dolphins represent South Florida's manhood, and last season we had the same community testosterone level as the audience for a Barbra Streisand concert. The Dolphins lost 15 games and won only one, which I believe was against Princeton.
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published May 23, 2004.)
Before we get to today's column, I have an important announcement regarding outsourcing. ''Outsourcing'' is a business expression that means, in layperson's terms, ''sourcing out.'' It's a trend that started years ago in manufacturing, which is a business term that means ''making things.'' You youngsters won't believe this, but there was a time when Americans actually made physical things called ''products'' right here in America.
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published June 9, 2002.)
Father's Day is coming, and millions of children and/or wives are thinking: ''This year, I think I'll get Dad a nice casual shirt.''
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published June 13, 2004.)
A commencement address to the college class of 200?:
This is your big day-the day when you jam four years' worth of unlaundered underwear into a Hefty bag and leave college, prepared by your professors to go out into the Real World. The first thing you'll notice is that your professors are not going out there with you. They're not stupid; that's why they're professors.
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published May 19, 2002.)
Ladies: It's time to get in shape for swimsuit season! If you start a program of diet and exercise NOW, in just a few weeks you can shed that extra 10 pounds, so when it's time to ''hit the beach,'' you can put on that new bikini with the confidence that comes from knowing that you will immediately take off that new bikini, put on a bathrobe and spend the rest of the weekend in your bedroom, weeping and eating Häagen-Dazs straight from the container.
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Feb. 2, 2003.)
In these times of international tension, real news professionals disregard their personal safety and head for the world's trouble spots. Thus it was that recently I traveled to the U.S. Virgin Islands, where I faced the very real danger that, as a journalist in the field, many of my expenses would be tax-deductible.
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published July 6, 2003.)
People always ask me: ''Is it hard to be a professional writer like you and Joyce Carol Oates?'' Yes. Very hard. Here is a true example of the kind of difficulties we face: The other day, I was in sitting at my desk in my home office, doing what I do all day, which is frown at my computer screen and wrestle with professional writing issues, such as: ''Do I have anything to say about this topic?'' And: ''What, exactly, IS this topic?''
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Oct. 15, 2000.)
According to a recent newspaper article that I carefully clipped out and then lost but I remember the gist of, traffic gridlock in the United States is very bad. It's getting to the point where many commuters arrive at work, use the bathroom, then immediately begin commuting home.
The other day, The Miami Herald ran a story concerning a 73-year-old motorist who was stopped by police. This in itself is not remarkable. The streets of Miami-Dade County are teeming with motorists who should be stopped by police.
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Nov. 5, 2000.) Recently, I had a great idea while waiting on hold for Customer Service.
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published June 10, 2001.)
On behalf of the newspaper industry (new, cost-cutting motto: ''All the News That''), I am announcing some changes we're making to serve you better.
So I've been hanging out with Owen Wilson and Jennifer Aniston. Really. We were at this major party in South Miami the other night. It went for more than five hours, with people and drinks everywhere. Owen and Jen were great. They had a baby. In fact, over the course of the evening they had three babies, because there were problems with the first two.
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Sept. 2, 2002.)
It's time for another installation of ''Ask Mister Language Person,'' the penultimate authority on grammatorical issues; the column that puts the ''p-u'' in punctuation; the only language column that was endorsed by both Jane Austen and William Shakespeare just before they died together in a romantic car crash.
